Introspective Day
Hello Everyone in Blog-Land...I am feeling rather introspective today, and since it's the last day of my temp job, I am now unemployed yet again. Ain't life grand, happy Thanksgiving to me. SIGH.
For this blog entry, I decided to write about something very serious in my life, something I feel my friends and family might benefit from reading. Hopefully it will help those who know me, and maybe even those who don’t, actually attain a better understanding of who I am, and why I am the way I am. Yes, it's rather long, but it's something I find to be extremely accurate when trying to figure me out, so please take some time to read.
Like many people, most of my life I have felt very misunderstood and frustrated when I am perceived incorrectly, misjudged, etc., so when this book was found at a recent church bazaar rummage sale, I was instantly enlightened. It pegs me perfectly, much more than all those other self-help books I have read over the years.
Previously to this, I thought my main “issues” were being an Adult Child of an Alcoholic, and eventually I figured out that I am submissive all the time, not just kinky in the bedroom---so I figured that those two major things were the whole “answer” to my inner questions about myself…but now I have got the third “answer,” which I believe fills in all the other gaps in between.
Overall, I have gained a much better understanding of myself while reading this book, and I wanted to share it with you. I simply copied some of the excerpts that most riveted me, or pegged me, or made me feel excited and validated. That’s what this blog entry is about today. I’ll begin by explaining what a Highly Sensitive Person (HSP) is, and then go into more detail…
Excerpts from the book, The Highly Sensitive Person: How to Thrive when the World Overwhelms You, by Elaine N. Aron ISBN: 1-55972350-5, 1997
“One out of every 5 people is born with a heightened sensitivity, and many of history’s great artists and thinkers were HSPs. Dr. Elaine Aron, a psychotherapist, teaches HPSs that their sensitivity is not a flaw, but an asset. (HSPs, for instance, are usually extremely conscientious and intuitive). But the trait does have its drawbacks: HSPs tend to become frazzled when overaroused, causing them to withdraw. HSPs are often less outgoing than others and may be perceived as shy, aloof, moody. Not surprisingly, many HSPs suffer from low- self esteem.”
SIGNS OF AN HSP – A self-quiz
I answered "yes" to ALL of these questions, but if you answer yes to 12 or more, then you are like me, and that is, a very highly sensitive person...
1. I seem to be aware of subtleties in my environment. (Yes, I notice every little thing, very observant, can describe things most people miss).
2. Other people's moods affect me. (Yes, I am chronically empathic to a fault; I grew up walking on eggshells around my parents due to the negativity and I avoid conflict as much as possible).
3. I tend to be very sensitive to pain. (Yes, as you've seen at the dungeons we go to, and camp, at home, and elsewhere. A little of that goes a very long way).
4. I find myself needing to withdraw during busy days, into bed, or into a darkened room or any place where I can have some privacy and relief from stimulation. (Yes, my bedroom is like a cave, it's my escape place, my safe place when I'm feeling stressed or overwhelmed, which is a lot).
5. I am particularly sensitive to the effects of caffeine. (Yes, one coke will keep me hyper all day long and will often cause me to have sleep problems).
6. I am easily overwhelmed by things like bright lights, strong smells, coarse fabrics, or sirens close by. (Yes, to all of those things, I often say it's too noisy around the neighborhood, I'm a very light sleeper, I smell things that sometimes nobody else does, etc).
7. I have a rich, complex inner life. (Yes, I always have. I've been an introvert all my life, thinking in different ways and often getting penalized or punished or misunderstood for it).
8. I am made uncomfortable by loud noises. (Yes, I can't stand the sounds of the noisy buses and trucks in the mornings, the sirens, honking horns, etc).
9. I am deeply moved by the arts or music. (Yes, especially music).
10. I am conscientious. (Yes, to a fault, oftentimes taken for granted).
11. I startle easily. (Yes, I get startled all the time, if someone is just standing in a doorway, opening a door, slamming a door, coming up behind me, etc).
12. I get rattled when I have a lot to do in a short amount of time. (Yes, yes yes yes yes yes).
13. When people are uncomfortable in a physical environment I tend to know what needs to be done to make it more comfortable (like changing the lighting or the seating). (Yes, i.e. my friend Donna stayed the night and said she had hot flashes, so I turned the heat down...unfortunately I turned it down too low so her nose was cold while trying to sleep).
14. I am annoyed when people try to get me to do too many things at once. (Yes, yes yes yes yes yes, which has led to many employers not liking me, because I express my frustration, and many friends who give up on me, or get frustrated by me, or family who expect too many things from me all at one time which frazzles me and makes me upset).
15. I try hard to avoid making mistakes or forgetting things. (Yes, I beat myself up constantly whenever I do this).
16. I make it a point to avoid violent movies and TV shows. (Yes, hence my love of TCM and HGTV and my upset during the brand new James Bond film—it was just too violent).
17. I become unpleasantly aroused when a lot is going on around me. (Yes, I get agitated, upset, stressed out, frazzled, overwhelmed, confused, etc).
18. Being very hungry creates a strong reaction in me, disrupting my concentration or mood. (Yes, my blood sugar goes very low & I can't think right).
19. Changes in my life shake me up. (YES, with a capital Y, as you know, I've been very shaken up since I moved to Pittsburgh).
20. I notice and enjoy delicate or fine scents, tastes, sounds, works of art. (Yes, that's why I wear body spray instead of heavy perfume, I like subtle, quiet things, melty-chocolatey things, and pretty paintings, or crafty art projects, etc).
21. I make it a high priority to arrange my life to avoid upsetting or overwhelming situations. (Yes, I've been a hermit for a long time, I prefer living that way, and whenever there is a negative situation, i.e. an argument, I will retreat to my quiet place within, and remove myself from the equation. I will avoid it).
22. When I must compete or be observed while performing a task, I become so nervous or shaky that I do much wore than I would otherwise. (Yes, when Pete stares at me, I get upset and nervous, when a boss is breathing down my neck I make more mistakes, etc).
23. When I was a child, my parents or teachers seemed to see me as sensitive or shy. (My family all thought of me as shy. The sensitive part didn't seem to click with them, despite my putting canned goods in the mailbox when I was 8, sending them to Ethiopia; the dead baby bird on my lap at age 3 when I fell asleep inside a neighbor's shed and nobody could find me for hours, crying hysterically when I read the Diary of Anne Frank for the first time, watching Holocaust documentaries and crying about it all the time, pouring my passionate side into playing my flute, devastated and bedridden for a week when I was dumped by my first boyfriend who wanted to marry me when I was 19....etc. For some reason, the sensitive thing just never got through to them. I was just thought of as being a weakling, a loser, a woose and I began to believe that too).
SPECIAL BUT DEEPLY MISUNDERSTOOD
The diagnosis of Highly Sensitive People (HSPs) is that they take in a lot---all the subtleties others miss. But what seems ordinary to others, like loud music or crowds, can be highly stimulating and thus stressful for HSPs. Most people ignore sirens, glaring lights, strange odors, clutter and chaos. HSPs are disturbed by them. Most people's feet may be tired at the end of a day in a mall or a museum, but they're ready for more when you suggest an evening party. HSPs need solitude after such a day. They feel jangled, overaroused. Most people walk into a room and perhaps notice the furniture, the people, that's about it. HSPs can be instantly aware, whether they wish to be or not, of the mood, the friendships and enmities, the freshness or staleness of the air, the personality of the one who arranged the flowers.
If you are an HSP, however, it is hard to grasp that you have some remarkable ability. How do you compare inner experiences? Not easily. Mostly you notice that you seem unable to tolerate as much as other people. You forget that you belong to a group that has often demonstrated great creativity, insight, passion and caring--all highly valued by society. We are a package deal, however. Our trait of sensitivity means we will also be cautious, inward, needing extra time alone. Because people without the trait (the majority) do not understand that, they see us as timid, shy, weak, or that greatest sin of all, unsociable. Fearing these labels, we try to be like others. But that leads to our becoming overaroused and distressed. Then THAT gets us labeled neurotic or crazy, first by others and then by ourselves.
Sooner or later everyone encounters stressful life experiences, but HSPs react more to such stimulation. If you see this reaction as part of some basic flaw, you intensify the stress already present in any life crisis. Next come feelings of hopelessness and worthlessness.
FACT 1: Everyone, HSP or not, feels best when neither too bored nor too aroused. An individual wil perform best on any kind of task, whether engaging in a conversation or playing in the Super Bowl, if his or her nervous system is moderately alert and aroused. Too little arousal and one is dull, ineffective. To change that under-aroused physic state, we drink some coffee, turn on the radio, call a friend, strike up a conversation with a total stranger, change careers -- anything! At the other extreme, too much arousal of the nervous system and anyone will become distressed, clumsy, and confused. We cannot think; the body is not coordinated; we feel out of control. Again, we have many ways to correct the situation. Sometimes we rest. Or mentally shut down. Some of us drink alcohol or take a Valium. The best amount of arousal falls somewhere in the middle. That there is a need and desire for an "optimal level of arousal" is, in fact, one of the most solid findings of psychology. It is true for everyone, even infants. They hate to feel bored or overwhelmed.
FACT 2: People differ considerably in how much their nervous system is aroused in the same situation, under the same stimulation. The difference is largely inherited, and is very real and normal. In fact, it can be observed in all higher animals--mice, cats, dogs, horses, monkeys, humans. Within a species, the percentage that is very sensitive to stimulation is usually about the same, around 15-20%. Just as some within a species are a little bigger in size than others, some are a little more sensitive. In fact, through careful breeding of animals, mating the sensitive ones to each other can create a sensitive strain in just a few generations. In short, among inborn traits of temperament, this one creates the most dramatic, observable differences.
What this difference in arousability means is that you notice levels of stimulation that go unobserved by others. This greater awareness of the subtle tends to make you more intuitive. The result is that you often "just know" without realizing how. Furthermore, this deeper processing of subtle details causes you to consider the past or future more. You "just know" how things got to be the way they are or how they are going to turn out. This is that "6th sense" people talk about. It can be wrong, of course, just as your eyes and ears can be wrong, but your intuition is right often enough that HSPs tend to be visionaries, highly intuitive artists, or inventors, as well as more conscientious, cautious and wise people.
The downside of the trait shows up at more intense levels of stimulation. What is MODERATELY arousing for most people is highly arousing for HSPs. What is HIGHLY arousing for most people causes an HSP to become very frazzled indeed, until they reach a shutdown point called "transmarginal inhibition." This "transmarginal inhibition" was first discussed around the turn of the century by the Russian physiologist Ivan Pavlov, who was convinced that the most basic inherited difference among people was how soon they reach the shutdown point and that the quick-to-shut-down have a fundamentally different type of nervous system.
Often we can get used to stimulation. But sometimes we think we have, and aren't being bothered, but then we suddenly feel exhausted and realize why: We have been putting up with something at a conscious level while it ws actually wearing us down. Even a moderate and familiar stimulation, like a day at work, can cause an HSP to need quiet by evening. At that point, one more "small" stimulation can be the last straw. (I HAVE FOUND MYSELF FEELING LIKE THIS QUITE OFTEN SINCE MOVING TO PITTSBURGH, COMPLAINING THAT I CANNOT KEEP UP WITH PETE, WE'RE TOO BUSY ALL THE TIME, I NEVER HAVE ENOUGH DOWN TIME OR ALONE TIME, I CAN'T GET ANYTHING DONE, ETC).
Stimulation is even more complicated because the same stimulus can have different meanings for different people. A crowded shopping mall at Xmas-time may remind one person of happy family shopping excursions and create a warm holiday spirit. But another person may have been forced to go shopping with others, tried to buy gifts without enough money and no idea of what to purchase, had unhappy memories of past holidays, and so suffers intensely in malls at Xmas. (THIS IS THE REASON I FEEL THAT I DESPERATELY NEED TO GET EVERY XMAS GIFT BOUGHT BEFORE THANKSGIVING. I WANT TO PLEASE EVERYONE, AND AVOID CROWDS, MALLS, AND THE OVERWHELMING HASSLE OF XMAS SHOPPING).
One general rule is that when we have no control over stimulation, it is more upsetting, even MORE so if we feel we are someone's victim. While music played by ourselves may be pleasant, heard from the neighbor's stereo, it can be annoying, and if we have previously asked them to turn it down, it becomes a hostile invasion (MUCH LIKE STRANGERS PARKING IN OUR DRIVEWAY FEELS LIKE A HOSTILE INVASION TO ME). This book may even increase your annoyance a bit as you begin to appreciate that you are a minority whose rights to have less stimulation are generally ignored.
HSPs and falling in love --- When it is too intense (FOR PETE)
A rare but more notorious case of overwhelming, impossible love can happen to anyone, but it seems to happen a little more often to HSPs. This sort of love is usually unrequited. The failure to be loved back can be the very cause of the intensity. Extremely intense love is often rejected by the beloved just because it is so demanding and unrealistic. The one being loved often feels smothered and not really loved at all in the sense that his or her feelings are being considered. Indeed, it can seem as if the lover has no REAL understanding of the loved one, only some impossible vision of perfection. Meanwhile, the lover may abandon everything for the dream of perfect happiness which the other alone can fulfill.
How does such love happen? There is no one answer, but Carl Jung held that the habitually introverted (most HSPs) turn their energy inward to protect their treasured inner life from being overwhelmed by the outer world. But Jung pointed out that the more successfully introverted you are, the more pressure builds in the unconscious to compensate for the inward turning. It is as if the house becomes filled with bored (but probably gifted) kids who eventually find their way out the back door. This pent-up energy often lands on one person (or place or thing), which becomes all-important upnended introvert. You have fallen intensely in love, and it really has less to do with the other person and more to do with how long you have delayed in reaching out.
The best protection against falling in love too intensely is being more in the world, not less. Once you reach a balance, you may even find that certain people actually help you stay calm and secure. So since you are going to be soaked someday, anyway, you might as well dive in with the rest of us now.
Another way to fall in love hard is to project one’s spiritual yearnings onto another person. Again, mistaking your human beloved for a divine beloved would be corrected if you could live with that person for a while. But when we cannot, the projection can be surprisingly persistent. The source of such love has to be something pretty big, and as Jungians would put it, we each possess an inner helpmate who is meant to lead us to the deepest inner realms. But we may not know that inner helpmate very well, or more often, we mistakenly project him or her onto others in our desperate desire to find that one we need so much. We want that helpmate to be real, and of course, while things can be very real and are entirely inner, that is an idea that can be hard to learn.
Jungian tradition holds that for a man this inner helpmate is usually a feminine soul or anima figure and for a woman it is usually a masculine spiritual guide or animus. So when we fall in love, we are often really falling in love with that inner anima or animus who will take us where we long to go, to paradise. We see the anima or animus in flesh-and-blood people with whom we hope to share an earthly, sensual paradise (usually a tropical cruise or a ski-weekend). Flesh and blood and sensuality are great, but they aren’t going to substitute for the inner figure or the inner goal. (This explains my lust/love for Steve Perry, he’s been there for me all my life when my own dad never was, he became the person I projected my love onto, wishing and wanting him to be my helpmate life guide at least from afar, which his lyrics & singing has provided to me, as life-advice, comforting words and a physical attraction on top of it).
Overwhelming Love and Insecure Attachment
HSPs’ relationships to everyone and everything are greatly affected by the nature of their childhood attachments to their first caretakers. Since only about 50-60% of the population enjoyed a secure attachment in childhood (a shocking statistic, really), those of you HSPs who tend to be very cautious about close relationships (avoidant), or very intense in them (anxious-ambivalent), can still consider yourselves quite normal. But your responses to relationships are powerful because there is so much unfinished business in that department.
Often those with insecure attachment styles try very hard to avoid love in order not to be hurt. Or maybe it just seems like a waste of time and you try not to think about why you see it differently than most of the world. Yet no matter how hard you try, someday you may find yourself trying again to get it right. Someone appears, and it seems safe enough to risk an attachment. Or there is something about the other person that reminds you of some safe person who passed too briefly through your life. Or something inside is getting desperate enough to take another chance. Suddenly, you attach.
We all go out programmed in some way; to please and cling to the first kind person who promises to love and protect us; to find the perfect parent and worship that person totally; to be extremely careful of attaching to anyone; to attach to someone just like the person who did not want us the first time (to see if we can change them this time), or who insisted we never grow up; or just to find another safe harbor like the one we enjoyed as children.
To have some of those needs left over is to be supplied with the normal “glue” of adult closeness. But we can ask only so much from a fellow adult. Anyone who really wants an adult with a child’s needs (i.e. a need to never have the other out of sight), has something unresolved going on from the past, too.
Doubts about one’s own self-worth is another source of falling in love. HSPs are prone to lower self-esteem because they are not their culture’s ideal. So sometimes they consider themselves lucky if someone wants them at all. But love on this basis can backfire. Later, you may realize that the person you fell in love with was very much your inferior or simply not your type.
The main solution, of course, is to build up your self-esteem by reframing your life in terms of your sensitivity, doing some inner work on whatever else lowered your confidence, and getting out in the world on your terms and proving to yourself that you’re okay. You’ll be surprised how many people will love you deeply just BECAUSE of your sensitivity.
Then there is the very human tendency to enter or persist in a close relationship out of sheer fear of being alone, overaroused, or faced with new or frightening situations. But you don’t want to put up with just anyone out of fear of being alone. The other will sense it eventually and be hurt or take advantage of you. You both deserve better. HSPs ought to feel that they can survive at least for a while without a close, romantic relationship. Otherwise, we are not free to wait for a person we really like.
HSPs at the Dance (The “Come here, go away” dance!! I DO THIS).
HSPs need close relationships and can be very skilled in them. Still, we have to watch for that side of us that wants to be introverted, to protect ourselves. Often we can find ourselves in the following sort of dance: first we want to be close, so we give out all the signs that invite closeness. Then someone responds. They want to see more of us, get to know us, maybe touch us. Then we back off. The other person is patient for a while, then backs off too. We feel alone and put out the signs again. That person or another one tries again. We are so glad—for a while. Then we feel overwhelmed. Step forward, step back, step forward, step back, until you both are tired of the dance.
Getting the right balance between distance and closeness can seem impossible. If you try to please others, you’ll lose track of your own needs. If you only try to please yourself, you’ll often fail to express very much love and will not make the compromises that relationships require.
When the Other is not as Highly Sensitive
Any difference in a pair spending lots of time together will tend to grow. Self-respect is an issue, and in heterosexual couples, gender stereotypes also tend to take hold. This is most problematic and tempting to ignore when it happens to involve psychological “work.” When it comes to your trait, whoever is even a little less sensitive becomes the expert in doing anything that might overarouse the more sensitive one. There is more calm, and one person feels helpful, the other, helped. Indeed the less sensitive person may come to feel indispensable and find this all too reassuring.
Meanwhile, the more sensitive one does all the attending to the subtle for both. Some of this may be less crucial---to have creative new ideas, know why you are living, deepen communications, appreciate beauty. But if there is a strong bond between the two, it is probably because the less sensitive one truly needs and values what you, the more sensitive one contributes. Without it, all the efficient doing of things would be for nothing and probably be much less effective as well. Sometimes the more sensitive person may even sense all of this and feel indispensable and all too superior.
If this has become too extreme, as in can in a long marriage, each person may feel so dependent on the other that they may lose any sense of choice about being in the relationship. In the case of sensitivity, one of you may feel unable to survive in the outer world; the other may feel unable to find the way inward. At that point, the glue is no longer love, but a lack of any other alternative.
The solution is obvious but not easy. Both must agree that the situation must change, even if for a time things are not done as efficiently as before. The more sensitive one must try new things, take charge more, go it alone sometimes. The less sensitive one must experience life without the other’s “spiritual” input and make contact with the subtle as it comes up in his or her own awareness.
Differences in Optimal Arousal Level
Sometimes your less sensitive partner can make things almost too comfortable for you, the “sensitive one.” But there are also going to be many times when the other does not appreciate that you are overstimulated. How do you respond to a well-intentioned request that you “just try it,” and not “spoil the fun?” If you say you cannot participate, either the others would not go because of you and you would feel guilty, or they would go without you and you would feel that you had missed out. What a choice! Not understanding the HSP trait, one solution for some HSPs was to go along with what what planned. Sometimes it would work out, sometimes it might be agony, and sometimes you may end up sick. No wonder many HSPs lose touch with their “authentic self.”
Overarousal is easily displaced onto worries, regrets—anything that is handy—and going to bed does not mean you will sleep; you may be far too stirred up. But it is still the best place to be. It can feel wonderful to stay home once you accept that home is truly where you sometimes belong.
In these situations, however, your partner may feel that he/she is in a real bind. He or she wants you to come, and since sometimes in the past it has worked out, pushing you is tempting. And besides missing having you along if he/she goes without you, the other may feel deeply guilty about leaving you alone.
The HSP has to take charge in these situations I order not to have anyone else to blame later. After all, you are the one who knows best how you are feeling and what you can enjoy. If you are hesitating to do something out of fear of overstimulation—not out of your current state of fatigue—you have to weigh that against the fun you might have. You have to decide for yourself and then act. If your action turns out to have been a mistake, you are the one who made it. At least you tried. If you know you are overstimulated and need to stay home, do it gracefully and minimize the regrets you express. Urge others to have fun without you.
Another frequent problem in a close relationship with a less sensitive partner is your greater need for solitude, just to think and digest the day. The other may feel rejected or simply still want your company. Make clear why you need the break. State when you will be available again and keep that promise. Or perhaps you can still be together, but resting in silence.
If you meet with resistance about your need for solitude (or any of your special needs), you will need to discuss the issue more deeply. You have a right to your different experience and needs. But realize that they are not those of your partner and not like most of the people he or she knows. So try to listen and see what the other is feeling. Maybe he/she wants to deny that such a major difference could exist between you. Or perhaps there is a fear that something is the matter with you, a flaw or an illness. The other may have a sense of loss because of adventures, real or imagined, that this trait seems to be making impossible for both of you. There may be anger or a feeling that you must be making it all up.
It helps to remind the other, modestly and with tact, of all the good things he/she is getting because of your trait. And you must watch that you do not use your sensitivity as an excuse to always get your way. You CAN tolerate high levels of stimulation, especially when you are with someone who relaxes you and makes you feel safe. Sometimes making an honest effort to go along with your partner will be appreciated. It may work out well. When it does not, you will have demonstrated your limits—preferably without saying, “I told you so.” It will become clear that you are usually happier, healthier, and less resentful when you each recognize and respect the other’s optimal level of arousal. You will each encourage the other to do what is necessary—go out and have fun, stay in and rest—in order to remain in that comfortable range.
The Fear of Honest Communication
Overall, sensitivity can greatly enhance intimate communication. You pick up on so much more of the subtle cues, the nuances, the paradoxes and ambivalences, the unconscious processes. You understand that this sort of communication requires patience. You are loyal, conscientious, and appreciative enough of the value of the relationship to be willing to give it the time.
The main problem is, as always, overarousal. In that state, we can be extremely insensitive to everything around us, including those we love. We can blame our trait—“I was just too tired, too overwhelmed.” But it is still our duty to do whatever we can to communicate in a helpful way or let the other know, ahead of time if possible, when we are unable to hold up our end.
HSPs probably make their greatest communication errors by avoiding the overarousal caused by unpleasantries. (Steve Perry gets a lawyer to talk to Neal rather than deal with him on his own)…I think most people, but HSPs especially, dread anger, confrontation, tears, anxiety, “scenes,” facing change (it always means the loss of something), being asked to change, being judged or shamed by our mistakes, or judging or shaming anyone else. But you also know rationally (from reading, experience and perhaps relationship counseling), that one has to have all of those things if a relationship is going to stay fresh and alive. For some reason, however, that knowledge does not help with it comes time to plunge in and blurt out your feelings.
Furthermore, your intuition is leaping ahead. In a very real, arousing, semiconscious imaginary world, you are already experiencing various ways the conversation might go, and most of them are distressing. (I do this all the time).
There are 2 ways to tackle your fears. First you can become conscious of what you are imagining and imagine other possibilities too—for example, how it will be after the conflict is cleared up or how it will be if you do NOT work on the problem. Second you can discuss with your friend or partner what you are imagining that is keeping you from being more open.
Close Relationships as a Path to Individuation – (My friend CHARLES is like this & it also describes my submissive side too).
Jungian psychologists call the individuation process, the process of following one’s path in life, learning to listen to one’s inner voices. Another aspect of that process is listening specifically to those voices or parts of ourselves which we have shunned, despised, ignored, or denied. These “shadow” parts, as Jungians call them, are always needed in order to become a strong, whole person, even if we live half our lives as though knowing about them would kill us.
The best way to handle shadow aspects is to know about them, and form an alliance with them. HSPs have as much or more reason to reject and deny parts of themselves. Some HSPs deny their strength, power, and capacity at times to be tough and insensitive. Some deny their irresponsible, unloving parts. Some deny their need for others, or their need to be alone, or their anger—or all of the above.
Learning about these rejected parts is difficult because usually we rejected them for good reasons. And while your casual friends may know quite a bit about your shadow aspects, they will probably hesitate to speak of them. But in a very close relationship, especially if you live together or must count on each other for the basics in life, you will not be able to avoid seeing and discussing each other’s shadow—sometimes heatedly. Indeed, one could say that a close relationship does not really begin until you do know about these aspects of each other and decide how you will live with or change them.
It is painful and shameful to be shown your worst side. That is why it can only happen when you are forced to by the one you care most for and when you know you are not going to be abandoned for speaking of or possessing these “horrible” secret parts. Thus, a close relationship is the best way to take possession of them, to gain the positive energy that was lost along with the negative and individuate along the path to wisdom and wholeness.
HSPs and the Healing of Psychological Wounds
Research results make it clear that HSPs who faced extreme difficulties in childhood and adolescence are going to be at a much greater risk for anxiety, depression, and suicide until they acknowledge their past as well as their trait and begin to heal their own wounds. HSPs with serious current problems also need to give themselves special consideration. Non-HSPs simply do not take in as many of the subtle, disturbing aspects of these situations. Your trait in itself is not at fault; but like a finely tuned instrument or machine, or a high-spirited, finely bred animal, you do need special handling. And many of you received mediocre or even damaging care as a child.
CHILDHOOD (for my sisters)
All childhoods are not equal. Some are truly horrible. And they can differ within the same family. Statistical analyses of the influence of family environment on different children in the same family show NO overlap. Your brothers or sisters lived a totally different childhood. You had different positions in the family, different early experiences, even in a sense different parents, given how adults change with circumstances and age. Finally, you were highly sensitive.
Those born highly sensitive are more affected by everything. Furthermore, whoever is the most sensitive in the family often becomes the focus. In a disturbed family especially, he or she becomes the family’s seer, for example, or harmonizer, prodigy, target, martyr, patient, parent, or the weak one whose protection becomes someone else’s life purpose. Meanwhile, the sensitive child’s extra need, to learn to feel secure in the world, is overlooked.
In sum, believe it if it seems to you that the “same” childhood or an “okay” childhood has been harder for you than for others in your family or for others with a similar past. Each childhood is its own story, deserving to be heard.
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My sisters and I get along most of the time, in small doses, but over the years we have drifted apart a lot, and changed and grown up into adults who aren’t as close as we used to be. Sometimes I have noticed if we mention a memory about something in our childhoods, we all remember that same event very differently, so this excerpt from the book definitely resounds as a universal truth in my opinion. The key to this, is to respect each other’s experience, and perspective, rather than argue about how something happened, or disagree about the result of something that took place. If we perceive it differently, we remember it differently, and there’s nothing we can do about that. We just have to respect each other’s views, and fill in any gaps of perspective that might exist, as best as we can. I love my sisters very much and I have tried to be a good oldest sister for them both, though a lot of times I have fallen right flat on my face or failed miserably at being a good example. For those moments, I have regrets and sadness, but I cannot change them. I can only live in the “now.” I just hope we can regain the closeness we once shared when we were younger, and enjoy each other’s lives from this point onward.
As for my parents, I remember in my experience that my mother was always there for me, but my dad was not. I remember feeling very shy, scared a lot, worried, nervous, and otherwise concerned about everyone around me being upset or unhappy, the tension between my parents was almost palpable. I tried to help as much as I could, cleaning the house, making them laugh whenever I could, avoiding my dad so that we didn't argue...but I also often avoided the marital discourse by climbing a tall tree to hide awhile, or putting on my headphones to listen to my Journey cassette tapes, or write letters to pen-pals or play my flute in a wide open field near a creek down the road, all alone. I preferred being alone, I didn’t like going to parties, I kept to myself and observed everyone else, fading into the woodwork whenever possible. I am still like this, very much a loner, very much keeping to myself.
But now that I am at the age of 40, I go out more often than I ever did, I have more enjoyable times with friends and now enjoying a new life living in Pittsburgh with Pete, but it took me a very VERY long time to get to this point.
For this blog entry, I decided to write about something very serious in my life, something I feel my friends and family might benefit from reading. Hopefully it will help those who know me, and maybe even those who don’t, actually attain a better understanding of who I am, and why I am the way I am. Yes, it's rather long, but it's something I find to be extremely accurate when trying to figure me out, so please take some time to read.
Like many people, most of my life I have felt very misunderstood and frustrated when I am perceived incorrectly, misjudged, etc., so when this book was found at a recent church bazaar rummage sale, I was instantly enlightened. It pegs me perfectly, much more than all those other self-help books I have read over the years.
Previously to this, I thought my main “issues” were being an Adult Child of an Alcoholic, and eventually I figured out that I am submissive all the time, not just kinky in the bedroom---so I figured that those two major things were the whole “answer” to my inner questions about myself…but now I have got the third “answer,” which I believe fills in all the other gaps in between.
Overall, I have gained a much better understanding of myself while reading this book, and I wanted to share it with you. I simply copied some of the excerpts that most riveted me, or pegged me, or made me feel excited and validated. That’s what this blog entry is about today. I’ll begin by explaining what a Highly Sensitive Person (HSP) is, and then go into more detail…
Excerpts from the book, The Highly Sensitive Person: How to Thrive when the World Overwhelms You, by Elaine N. Aron ISBN: 1-55972350-5, 1997
“One out of every 5 people is born with a heightened sensitivity, and many of history’s great artists and thinkers were HSPs. Dr. Elaine Aron, a psychotherapist, teaches HPSs that their sensitivity is not a flaw, but an asset. (HSPs, for instance, are usually extremely conscientious and intuitive). But the trait does have its drawbacks: HSPs tend to become frazzled when overaroused, causing them to withdraw. HSPs are often less outgoing than others and may be perceived as shy, aloof, moody. Not surprisingly, many HSPs suffer from low- self esteem.”
SIGNS OF AN HSP – A self-quiz
I answered "yes" to ALL of these questions, but if you answer yes to 12 or more, then you are like me, and that is, a very highly sensitive person...
1. I seem to be aware of subtleties in my environment. (Yes, I notice every little thing, very observant, can describe things most people miss).
2. Other people's moods affect me. (Yes, I am chronically empathic to a fault; I grew up walking on eggshells around my parents due to the negativity and I avoid conflict as much as possible).
3. I tend to be very sensitive to pain. (Yes, as you've seen at the dungeons we go to, and camp, at home, and elsewhere. A little of that goes a very long way).
4. I find myself needing to withdraw during busy days, into bed, or into a darkened room or any place where I can have some privacy and relief from stimulation. (Yes, my bedroom is like a cave, it's my escape place, my safe place when I'm feeling stressed or overwhelmed, which is a lot).
5. I am particularly sensitive to the effects of caffeine. (Yes, one coke will keep me hyper all day long and will often cause me to have sleep problems).
6. I am easily overwhelmed by things like bright lights, strong smells, coarse fabrics, or sirens close by. (Yes, to all of those things, I often say it's too noisy around the neighborhood, I'm a very light sleeper, I smell things that sometimes nobody else does, etc).
7. I have a rich, complex inner life. (Yes, I always have. I've been an introvert all my life, thinking in different ways and often getting penalized or punished or misunderstood for it).
8. I am made uncomfortable by loud noises. (Yes, I can't stand the sounds of the noisy buses and trucks in the mornings, the sirens, honking horns, etc).
9. I am deeply moved by the arts or music. (Yes, especially music).
10. I am conscientious. (Yes, to a fault, oftentimes taken for granted).
11. I startle easily. (Yes, I get startled all the time, if someone is just standing in a doorway, opening a door, slamming a door, coming up behind me, etc).
12. I get rattled when I have a lot to do in a short amount of time. (Yes, yes yes yes yes yes).
13. When people are uncomfortable in a physical environment I tend to know what needs to be done to make it more comfortable (like changing the lighting or the seating). (Yes, i.e. my friend Donna stayed the night and said she had hot flashes, so I turned the heat down...unfortunately I turned it down too low so her nose was cold while trying to sleep).
14. I am annoyed when people try to get me to do too many things at once. (Yes, yes yes yes yes yes, which has led to many employers not liking me, because I express my frustration, and many friends who give up on me, or get frustrated by me, or family who expect too many things from me all at one time which frazzles me and makes me upset).
15. I try hard to avoid making mistakes or forgetting things. (Yes, I beat myself up constantly whenever I do this).
16. I make it a point to avoid violent movies and TV shows. (Yes, hence my love of TCM and HGTV and my upset during the brand new James Bond film—it was just too violent).
17. I become unpleasantly aroused when a lot is going on around me. (Yes, I get agitated, upset, stressed out, frazzled, overwhelmed, confused, etc).
18. Being very hungry creates a strong reaction in me, disrupting my concentration or mood. (Yes, my blood sugar goes very low & I can't think right).
19. Changes in my life shake me up. (YES, with a capital Y, as you know, I've been very shaken up since I moved to Pittsburgh).
20. I notice and enjoy delicate or fine scents, tastes, sounds, works of art. (Yes, that's why I wear body spray instead of heavy perfume, I like subtle, quiet things, melty-chocolatey things, and pretty paintings, or crafty art projects, etc).
21. I make it a high priority to arrange my life to avoid upsetting or overwhelming situations. (Yes, I've been a hermit for a long time, I prefer living that way, and whenever there is a negative situation, i.e. an argument, I will retreat to my quiet place within, and remove myself from the equation. I will avoid it).
22. When I must compete or be observed while performing a task, I become so nervous or shaky that I do much wore than I would otherwise. (Yes, when Pete stares at me, I get upset and nervous, when a boss is breathing down my neck I make more mistakes, etc).
23. When I was a child, my parents or teachers seemed to see me as sensitive or shy. (My family all thought of me as shy. The sensitive part didn't seem to click with them, despite my putting canned goods in the mailbox when I was 8, sending them to Ethiopia; the dead baby bird on my lap at age 3 when I fell asleep inside a neighbor's shed and nobody could find me for hours, crying hysterically when I read the Diary of Anne Frank for the first time, watching Holocaust documentaries and crying about it all the time, pouring my passionate side into playing my flute, devastated and bedridden for a week when I was dumped by my first boyfriend who wanted to marry me when I was 19....etc. For some reason, the sensitive thing just never got through to them. I was just thought of as being a weakling, a loser, a woose and I began to believe that too).
SPECIAL BUT DEEPLY MISUNDERSTOOD
The diagnosis of Highly Sensitive People (HSPs) is that they take in a lot---all the subtleties others miss. But what seems ordinary to others, like loud music or crowds, can be highly stimulating and thus stressful for HSPs. Most people ignore sirens, glaring lights, strange odors, clutter and chaos. HSPs are disturbed by them. Most people's feet may be tired at the end of a day in a mall or a museum, but they're ready for more when you suggest an evening party. HSPs need solitude after such a day. They feel jangled, overaroused. Most people walk into a room and perhaps notice the furniture, the people, that's about it. HSPs can be instantly aware, whether they wish to be or not, of the mood, the friendships and enmities, the freshness or staleness of the air, the personality of the one who arranged the flowers.
If you are an HSP, however, it is hard to grasp that you have some remarkable ability. How do you compare inner experiences? Not easily. Mostly you notice that you seem unable to tolerate as much as other people. You forget that you belong to a group that has often demonstrated great creativity, insight, passion and caring--all highly valued by society. We are a package deal, however. Our trait of sensitivity means we will also be cautious, inward, needing extra time alone. Because people without the trait (the majority) do not understand that, they see us as timid, shy, weak, or that greatest sin of all, unsociable. Fearing these labels, we try to be like others. But that leads to our becoming overaroused and distressed. Then THAT gets us labeled neurotic or crazy, first by others and then by ourselves.
Sooner or later everyone encounters stressful life experiences, but HSPs react more to such stimulation. If you see this reaction as part of some basic flaw, you intensify the stress already present in any life crisis. Next come feelings of hopelessness and worthlessness.
FACT 1: Everyone, HSP or not, feels best when neither too bored nor too aroused. An individual wil perform best on any kind of task, whether engaging in a conversation or playing in the Super Bowl, if his or her nervous system is moderately alert and aroused. Too little arousal and one is dull, ineffective. To change that under-aroused physic state, we drink some coffee, turn on the radio, call a friend, strike up a conversation with a total stranger, change careers -- anything! At the other extreme, too much arousal of the nervous system and anyone will become distressed, clumsy, and confused. We cannot think; the body is not coordinated; we feel out of control. Again, we have many ways to correct the situation. Sometimes we rest. Or mentally shut down. Some of us drink alcohol or take a Valium. The best amount of arousal falls somewhere in the middle. That there is a need and desire for an "optimal level of arousal" is, in fact, one of the most solid findings of psychology. It is true for everyone, even infants. They hate to feel bored or overwhelmed.
FACT 2: People differ considerably in how much their nervous system is aroused in the same situation, under the same stimulation. The difference is largely inherited, and is very real and normal. In fact, it can be observed in all higher animals--mice, cats, dogs, horses, monkeys, humans. Within a species, the percentage that is very sensitive to stimulation is usually about the same, around 15-20%. Just as some within a species are a little bigger in size than others, some are a little more sensitive. In fact, through careful breeding of animals, mating the sensitive ones to each other can create a sensitive strain in just a few generations. In short, among inborn traits of temperament, this one creates the most dramatic, observable differences.
What this difference in arousability means is that you notice levels of stimulation that go unobserved by others. This greater awareness of the subtle tends to make you more intuitive. The result is that you often "just know" without realizing how. Furthermore, this deeper processing of subtle details causes you to consider the past or future more. You "just know" how things got to be the way they are or how they are going to turn out. This is that "6th sense" people talk about. It can be wrong, of course, just as your eyes and ears can be wrong, but your intuition is right often enough that HSPs tend to be visionaries, highly intuitive artists, or inventors, as well as more conscientious, cautious and wise people.
The downside of the trait shows up at more intense levels of stimulation. What is MODERATELY arousing for most people is highly arousing for HSPs. What is HIGHLY arousing for most people causes an HSP to become very frazzled indeed, until they reach a shutdown point called "transmarginal inhibition." This "transmarginal inhibition" was first discussed around the turn of the century by the Russian physiologist Ivan Pavlov, who was convinced that the most basic inherited difference among people was how soon they reach the shutdown point and that the quick-to-shut-down have a fundamentally different type of nervous system.
Often we can get used to stimulation. But sometimes we think we have, and aren't being bothered, but then we suddenly feel exhausted and realize why: We have been putting up with something at a conscious level while it ws actually wearing us down. Even a moderate and familiar stimulation, like a day at work, can cause an HSP to need quiet by evening. At that point, one more "small" stimulation can be the last straw. (I HAVE FOUND MYSELF FEELING LIKE THIS QUITE OFTEN SINCE MOVING TO PITTSBURGH, COMPLAINING THAT I CANNOT KEEP UP WITH PETE, WE'RE TOO BUSY ALL THE TIME, I NEVER HAVE ENOUGH DOWN TIME OR ALONE TIME, I CAN'T GET ANYTHING DONE, ETC).
Stimulation is even more complicated because the same stimulus can have different meanings for different people. A crowded shopping mall at Xmas-time may remind one person of happy family shopping excursions and create a warm holiday spirit. But another person may have been forced to go shopping with others, tried to buy gifts without enough money and no idea of what to purchase, had unhappy memories of past holidays, and so suffers intensely in malls at Xmas. (THIS IS THE REASON I FEEL THAT I DESPERATELY NEED TO GET EVERY XMAS GIFT BOUGHT BEFORE THANKSGIVING. I WANT TO PLEASE EVERYONE, AND AVOID CROWDS, MALLS, AND THE OVERWHELMING HASSLE OF XMAS SHOPPING).
One general rule is that when we have no control over stimulation, it is more upsetting, even MORE so if we feel we are someone's victim. While music played by ourselves may be pleasant, heard from the neighbor's stereo, it can be annoying, and if we have previously asked them to turn it down, it becomes a hostile invasion (MUCH LIKE STRANGERS PARKING IN OUR DRIVEWAY FEELS LIKE A HOSTILE INVASION TO ME). This book may even increase your annoyance a bit as you begin to appreciate that you are a minority whose rights to have less stimulation are generally ignored.
HSPs and falling in love --- When it is too intense (FOR PETE)
A rare but more notorious case of overwhelming, impossible love can happen to anyone, but it seems to happen a little more often to HSPs. This sort of love is usually unrequited. The failure to be loved back can be the very cause of the intensity. Extremely intense love is often rejected by the beloved just because it is so demanding and unrealistic. The one being loved often feels smothered and not really loved at all in the sense that his or her feelings are being considered. Indeed, it can seem as if the lover has no REAL understanding of the loved one, only some impossible vision of perfection. Meanwhile, the lover may abandon everything for the dream of perfect happiness which the other alone can fulfill.
How does such love happen? There is no one answer, but Carl Jung held that the habitually introverted (most HSPs) turn their energy inward to protect their treasured inner life from being overwhelmed by the outer world. But Jung pointed out that the more successfully introverted you are, the more pressure builds in the unconscious to compensate for the inward turning. It is as if the house becomes filled with bored (but probably gifted) kids who eventually find their way out the back door. This pent-up energy often lands on one person (or place or thing), which becomes all-important upnended introvert. You have fallen intensely in love, and it really has less to do with the other person and more to do with how long you have delayed in reaching out.
The best protection against falling in love too intensely is being more in the world, not less. Once you reach a balance, you may even find that certain people actually help you stay calm and secure. So since you are going to be soaked someday, anyway, you might as well dive in with the rest of us now.
Another way to fall in love hard is to project one’s spiritual yearnings onto another person. Again, mistaking your human beloved for a divine beloved would be corrected if you could live with that person for a while. But when we cannot, the projection can be surprisingly persistent. The source of such love has to be something pretty big, and as Jungians would put it, we each possess an inner helpmate who is meant to lead us to the deepest inner realms. But we may not know that inner helpmate very well, or more often, we mistakenly project him or her onto others in our desperate desire to find that one we need so much. We want that helpmate to be real, and of course, while things can be very real and are entirely inner, that is an idea that can be hard to learn.
Jungian tradition holds that for a man this inner helpmate is usually a feminine soul or anima figure and for a woman it is usually a masculine spiritual guide or animus. So when we fall in love, we are often really falling in love with that inner anima or animus who will take us where we long to go, to paradise. We see the anima or animus in flesh-and-blood people with whom we hope to share an earthly, sensual paradise (usually a tropical cruise or a ski-weekend). Flesh and blood and sensuality are great, but they aren’t going to substitute for the inner figure or the inner goal. (This explains my lust/love for Steve Perry, he’s been there for me all my life when my own dad never was, he became the person I projected my love onto, wishing and wanting him to be my helpmate life guide at least from afar, which his lyrics & singing has provided to me, as life-advice, comforting words and a physical attraction on top of it).
Overwhelming Love and Insecure Attachment
HSPs’ relationships to everyone and everything are greatly affected by the nature of their childhood attachments to their first caretakers. Since only about 50-60% of the population enjoyed a secure attachment in childhood (a shocking statistic, really), those of you HSPs who tend to be very cautious about close relationships (avoidant), or very intense in them (anxious-ambivalent), can still consider yourselves quite normal. But your responses to relationships are powerful because there is so much unfinished business in that department.
Often those with insecure attachment styles try very hard to avoid love in order not to be hurt. Or maybe it just seems like a waste of time and you try not to think about why you see it differently than most of the world. Yet no matter how hard you try, someday you may find yourself trying again to get it right. Someone appears, and it seems safe enough to risk an attachment. Or there is something about the other person that reminds you of some safe person who passed too briefly through your life. Or something inside is getting desperate enough to take another chance. Suddenly, you attach.
We all go out programmed in some way; to please and cling to the first kind person who promises to love and protect us; to find the perfect parent and worship that person totally; to be extremely careful of attaching to anyone; to attach to someone just like the person who did not want us the first time (to see if we can change them this time), or who insisted we never grow up; or just to find another safe harbor like the one we enjoyed as children.
To have some of those needs left over is to be supplied with the normal “glue” of adult closeness. But we can ask only so much from a fellow adult. Anyone who really wants an adult with a child’s needs (i.e. a need to never have the other out of sight), has something unresolved going on from the past, too.
Doubts about one’s own self-worth is another source of falling in love. HSPs are prone to lower self-esteem because they are not their culture’s ideal. So sometimes they consider themselves lucky if someone wants them at all. But love on this basis can backfire. Later, you may realize that the person you fell in love with was very much your inferior or simply not your type.
The main solution, of course, is to build up your self-esteem by reframing your life in terms of your sensitivity, doing some inner work on whatever else lowered your confidence, and getting out in the world on your terms and proving to yourself that you’re okay. You’ll be surprised how many people will love you deeply just BECAUSE of your sensitivity.
Then there is the very human tendency to enter or persist in a close relationship out of sheer fear of being alone, overaroused, or faced with new or frightening situations. But you don’t want to put up with just anyone out of fear of being alone. The other will sense it eventually and be hurt or take advantage of you. You both deserve better. HSPs ought to feel that they can survive at least for a while without a close, romantic relationship. Otherwise, we are not free to wait for a person we really like.
HSPs at the Dance (The “Come here, go away” dance!! I DO THIS).
HSPs need close relationships and can be very skilled in them. Still, we have to watch for that side of us that wants to be introverted, to protect ourselves. Often we can find ourselves in the following sort of dance: first we want to be close, so we give out all the signs that invite closeness. Then someone responds. They want to see more of us, get to know us, maybe touch us. Then we back off. The other person is patient for a while, then backs off too. We feel alone and put out the signs again. That person or another one tries again. We are so glad—for a while. Then we feel overwhelmed. Step forward, step back, step forward, step back, until you both are tired of the dance.
Getting the right balance between distance and closeness can seem impossible. If you try to please others, you’ll lose track of your own needs. If you only try to please yourself, you’ll often fail to express very much love and will not make the compromises that relationships require.
When the Other is not as Highly Sensitive
Any difference in a pair spending lots of time together will tend to grow. Self-respect is an issue, and in heterosexual couples, gender stereotypes also tend to take hold. This is most problematic and tempting to ignore when it happens to involve psychological “work.” When it comes to your trait, whoever is even a little less sensitive becomes the expert in doing anything that might overarouse the more sensitive one. There is more calm, and one person feels helpful, the other, helped. Indeed the less sensitive person may come to feel indispensable and find this all too reassuring.
Meanwhile, the more sensitive one does all the attending to the subtle for both. Some of this may be less crucial---to have creative new ideas, know why you are living, deepen communications, appreciate beauty. But if there is a strong bond between the two, it is probably because the less sensitive one truly needs and values what you, the more sensitive one contributes. Without it, all the efficient doing of things would be for nothing and probably be much less effective as well. Sometimes the more sensitive person may even sense all of this and feel indispensable and all too superior.
If this has become too extreme, as in can in a long marriage, each person may feel so dependent on the other that they may lose any sense of choice about being in the relationship. In the case of sensitivity, one of you may feel unable to survive in the outer world; the other may feel unable to find the way inward. At that point, the glue is no longer love, but a lack of any other alternative.
The solution is obvious but not easy. Both must agree that the situation must change, even if for a time things are not done as efficiently as before. The more sensitive one must try new things, take charge more, go it alone sometimes. The less sensitive one must experience life without the other’s “spiritual” input and make contact with the subtle as it comes up in his or her own awareness.
Differences in Optimal Arousal Level
Sometimes your less sensitive partner can make things almost too comfortable for you, the “sensitive one.” But there are also going to be many times when the other does not appreciate that you are overstimulated. How do you respond to a well-intentioned request that you “just try it,” and not “spoil the fun?” If you say you cannot participate, either the others would not go because of you and you would feel guilty, or they would go without you and you would feel that you had missed out. What a choice! Not understanding the HSP trait, one solution for some HSPs was to go along with what what planned. Sometimes it would work out, sometimes it might be agony, and sometimes you may end up sick. No wonder many HSPs lose touch with their “authentic self.”
Overarousal is easily displaced onto worries, regrets—anything that is handy—and going to bed does not mean you will sleep; you may be far too stirred up. But it is still the best place to be. It can feel wonderful to stay home once you accept that home is truly where you sometimes belong.
In these situations, however, your partner may feel that he/she is in a real bind. He or she wants you to come, and since sometimes in the past it has worked out, pushing you is tempting. And besides missing having you along if he/she goes without you, the other may feel deeply guilty about leaving you alone.
The HSP has to take charge in these situations I order not to have anyone else to blame later. After all, you are the one who knows best how you are feeling and what you can enjoy. If you are hesitating to do something out of fear of overstimulation—not out of your current state of fatigue—you have to weigh that against the fun you might have. You have to decide for yourself and then act. If your action turns out to have been a mistake, you are the one who made it. At least you tried. If you know you are overstimulated and need to stay home, do it gracefully and minimize the regrets you express. Urge others to have fun without you.
Another frequent problem in a close relationship with a less sensitive partner is your greater need for solitude, just to think and digest the day. The other may feel rejected or simply still want your company. Make clear why you need the break. State when you will be available again and keep that promise. Or perhaps you can still be together, but resting in silence.
If you meet with resistance about your need for solitude (or any of your special needs), you will need to discuss the issue more deeply. You have a right to your different experience and needs. But realize that they are not those of your partner and not like most of the people he or she knows. So try to listen and see what the other is feeling. Maybe he/she wants to deny that such a major difference could exist between you. Or perhaps there is a fear that something is the matter with you, a flaw or an illness. The other may have a sense of loss because of adventures, real or imagined, that this trait seems to be making impossible for both of you. There may be anger or a feeling that you must be making it all up.
It helps to remind the other, modestly and with tact, of all the good things he/she is getting because of your trait. And you must watch that you do not use your sensitivity as an excuse to always get your way. You CAN tolerate high levels of stimulation, especially when you are with someone who relaxes you and makes you feel safe. Sometimes making an honest effort to go along with your partner will be appreciated. It may work out well. When it does not, you will have demonstrated your limits—preferably without saying, “I told you so.” It will become clear that you are usually happier, healthier, and less resentful when you each recognize and respect the other’s optimal level of arousal. You will each encourage the other to do what is necessary—go out and have fun, stay in and rest—in order to remain in that comfortable range.
The Fear of Honest Communication
Overall, sensitivity can greatly enhance intimate communication. You pick up on so much more of the subtle cues, the nuances, the paradoxes and ambivalences, the unconscious processes. You understand that this sort of communication requires patience. You are loyal, conscientious, and appreciative enough of the value of the relationship to be willing to give it the time.
The main problem is, as always, overarousal. In that state, we can be extremely insensitive to everything around us, including those we love. We can blame our trait—“I was just too tired, too overwhelmed.” But it is still our duty to do whatever we can to communicate in a helpful way or let the other know, ahead of time if possible, when we are unable to hold up our end.
HSPs probably make their greatest communication errors by avoiding the overarousal caused by unpleasantries. (Steve Perry gets a lawyer to talk to Neal rather than deal with him on his own)…I think most people, but HSPs especially, dread anger, confrontation, tears, anxiety, “scenes,” facing change (it always means the loss of something), being asked to change, being judged or shamed by our mistakes, or judging or shaming anyone else. But you also know rationally (from reading, experience and perhaps relationship counseling), that one has to have all of those things if a relationship is going to stay fresh and alive. For some reason, however, that knowledge does not help with it comes time to plunge in and blurt out your feelings.
Furthermore, your intuition is leaping ahead. In a very real, arousing, semiconscious imaginary world, you are already experiencing various ways the conversation might go, and most of them are distressing. (I do this all the time).
There are 2 ways to tackle your fears. First you can become conscious of what you are imagining and imagine other possibilities too—for example, how it will be after the conflict is cleared up or how it will be if you do NOT work on the problem. Second you can discuss with your friend or partner what you are imagining that is keeping you from being more open.
Close Relationships as a Path to Individuation – (My friend CHARLES is like this & it also describes my submissive side too).
Jungian psychologists call the individuation process, the process of following one’s path in life, learning to listen to one’s inner voices. Another aspect of that process is listening specifically to those voices or parts of ourselves which we have shunned, despised, ignored, or denied. These “shadow” parts, as Jungians call them, are always needed in order to become a strong, whole person, even if we live half our lives as though knowing about them would kill us.
The best way to handle shadow aspects is to know about them, and form an alliance with them. HSPs have as much or more reason to reject and deny parts of themselves. Some HSPs deny their strength, power, and capacity at times to be tough and insensitive. Some deny their irresponsible, unloving parts. Some deny their need for others, or their need to be alone, or their anger—or all of the above.
Learning about these rejected parts is difficult because usually we rejected them for good reasons. And while your casual friends may know quite a bit about your shadow aspects, they will probably hesitate to speak of them. But in a very close relationship, especially if you live together or must count on each other for the basics in life, you will not be able to avoid seeing and discussing each other’s shadow—sometimes heatedly. Indeed, one could say that a close relationship does not really begin until you do know about these aspects of each other and decide how you will live with or change them.
It is painful and shameful to be shown your worst side. That is why it can only happen when you are forced to by the one you care most for and when you know you are not going to be abandoned for speaking of or possessing these “horrible” secret parts. Thus, a close relationship is the best way to take possession of them, to gain the positive energy that was lost along with the negative and individuate along the path to wisdom and wholeness.
HSPs and the Healing of Psychological Wounds
Research results make it clear that HSPs who faced extreme difficulties in childhood and adolescence are going to be at a much greater risk for anxiety, depression, and suicide until they acknowledge their past as well as their trait and begin to heal their own wounds. HSPs with serious current problems also need to give themselves special consideration. Non-HSPs simply do not take in as many of the subtle, disturbing aspects of these situations. Your trait in itself is not at fault; but like a finely tuned instrument or machine, or a high-spirited, finely bred animal, you do need special handling. And many of you received mediocre or even damaging care as a child.
CHILDHOOD (for my sisters)
All childhoods are not equal. Some are truly horrible. And they can differ within the same family. Statistical analyses of the influence of family environment on different children in the same family show NO overlap. Your brothers or sisters lived a totally different childhood. You had different positions in the family, different early experiences, even in a sense different parents, given how adults change with circumstances and age. Finally, you were highly sensitive.
Those born highly sensitive are more affected by everything. Furthermore, whoever is the most sensitive in the family often becomes the focus. In a disturbed family especially, he or she becomes the family’s seer, for example, or harmonizer, prodigy, target, martyr, patient, parent, or the weak one whose protection becomes someone else’s life purpose. Meanwhile, the sensitive child’s extra need, to learn to feel secure in the world, is overlooked.
In sum, believe it if it seems to you that the “same” childhood or an “okay” childhood has been harder for you than for others in your family or for others with a similar past. Each childhood is its own story, deserving to be heard.
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My sisters and I get along most of the time, in small doses, but over the years we have drifted apart a lot, and changed and grown up into adults who aren’t as close as we used to be. Sometimes I have noticed if we mention a memory about something in our childhoods, we all remember that same event very differently, so this excerpt from the book definitely resounds as a universal truth in my opinion. The key to this, is to respect each other’s experience, and perspective, rather than argue about how something happened, or disagree about the result of something that took place. If we perceive it differently, we remember it differently, and there’s nothing we can do about that. We just have to respect each other’s views, and fill in any gaps of perspective that might exist, as best as we can. I love my sisters very much and I have tried to be a good oldest sister for them both, though a lot of times I have fallen right flat on my face or failed miserably at being a good example. For those moments, I have regrets and sadness, but I cannot change them. I can only live in the “now.” I just hope we can regain the closeness we once shared when we were younger, and enjoy each other’s lives from this point onward.
As for my parents, I remember in my experience that my mother was always there for me, but my dad was not. I remember feeling very shy, scared a lot, worried, nervous, and otherwise concerned about everyone around me being upset or unhappy, the tension between my parents was almost palpable. I tried to help as much as I could, cleaning the house, making them laugh whenever I could, avoiding my dad so that we didn't argue...but I also often avoided the marital discourse by climbing a tall tree to hide awhile, or putting on my headphones to listen to my Journey cassette tapes, or write letters to pen-pals or play my flute in a wide open field near a creek down the road, all alone. I preferred being alone, I didn’t like going to parties, I kept to myself and observed everyone else, fading into the woodwork whenever possible. I am still like this, very much a loner, very much keeping to myself.
But now that I am at the age of 40, I go out more often than I ever did, I have more enjoyable times with friends and now enjoying a new life living in Pittsburgh with Pete, but it took me a very VERY long time to get to this point.
In fact, after 2004, when I moved back to DC, I became a total hermit because I just didn’t feel safe anymore in the world. At all. The events of 9/11 caused me a whole lot of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder problems, and upset that still wakes me up with nightmares to this day. All my work trying to educate people about the dangers of hatred, racism, prejudice, etc., just came crashing down on 9/11, nobody was listening, so I gave up and did a 360, hating the world and everybody in it. Even now, I cannot help but burst into tears whenever I see footage of the 9/11 towers falling in New York. It caused me to slide into a depression so deep and ugly and dark, I really didn’t care if I ever came out of it. I was at my lowest point after 9/11, and felt suicidal for several years. In fact, that is something I have felt most of my life.
A therapist once told me that it is a “normal” feeling for Adult Children of Alcoholics to feel those things, we never expected to live past a young age and we feel rather lost and without direction, overwhelmed and overstressed a lot. My dog rescued me and took the focus off my problems, making me laugh and take care of her, she gave me a reason to stick around and I realized I could never do that to my family or friends.
So I'm still here and I'm still kickin...but I just wanted everyone to reflect this Thanksgiving on all the blessings they have, and for the inner knowledge that we all have a personal responsibility to learn, grow from and work on, to embrace the good, the bad and the ugly about ourselves no matter what we find inside ourselves. I hope with all my heart that I can and will be accepted for my “issues,” and forgiven for all my imperfections and mistakes I’ve made, and I also hope that my family will love me inside and out, 24/7, unconditionally---and I promise to make every effort to return the favor back to them also.
Happy Thanksgiving to everyone. Love, Becky
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