Pardon me while I have a temper tantrum....(Disclaimer: I don't have them very often so STFU and let me rant and rave a bit, will ya)?? I am NOT happy right now. Not one bit. I am angry and disappointed and just crushed.
Just as all my other dreams have crashed and burned in my life, so has this one. Pete doesn't want the house. He says he feels that I am pressuring him into it, or the word he used is "bamboozled." Kinda hurt my feelings actually. You'd think he'd TRUST ME after being in my life for two years. I guess not. I say "Let's go for it, we can make it happen, we can do it," but he says, "No, I'm too afraid to do that, I want to SETTLE for something LESS than what we deserve. I'd rather pay RENT forever, and move around a lot, and travel and spend my money on a thousand MORE DVDs and comic books."
So, whatever Pete wants, Pete gets. Doesn't matter what I want, or how I feel. So be it.
He can go look at other houses if he wants to. I have no interest in looking any further. I FOUND the one I want. Why can't I have what I really WANT out of life, just ONCE?? Why, whenever I find something I truly love, does someone come along and take it away from me? I've always wondered about that. I don't know what I did in a previous life to deserve that. Must have been a member of the Gestapo or something. That's all I can figure.
I feel like I'm just a shadow in his life, a trusty companion witnessing HIS life, HIS decisions, HIS world, while MY LIFE is shriveling up and dying slowly. I HAVE no life. I stay home every day with his 88 year old mother. I miss working at a job. I miss having intelligent conversations. I miss having my hair done, my fingernails done, wearing skirts and high heels to work every day, wearing makeup. I miss having my own money, rather than having to ask permission each time I want to buy something, or being told that I can't spend more than $20 at a time.
Is this what marriage is? Not in my definition it isn't. I never wanted a life like this. Never. I AVOIDED marriage for 41 years BECAUSE I didn't want to LOSE MY SELF. And that is what has happened. My life has slowly eroded into becoming a shadow of his. I'm on the sidelines, not in the game anymore. My life has no meaning, no sense of purpose anymore. What I feel, and what I believe, and what I want to contribute, is dismissed as being frivolous or impulsive.
He's been married twice. He's looked at over 100 houses with those other women. I have NEVER looked at houses before, I've never OWNED a house before, and I have done enough research to KNOW what I want, and what I dream a home should be.
This dream house has everything I've always dreamed of. It was something I felt extremely SURE would happen, it seemed to me to be a win-win situation for everybody, and a gorgeous environment---the backyard alone made me drool---but noooooo, none of that is good enough for Pete. Nothing I do is ever good enough for any man I've ever been with in my life. I don't know why that is, I don't know why I ever even HOPE for it to be different because it never is.
Mostly, I don't know why I keep beating my head against the same brick wall all the time, trying to please them. What the hell is WRONG with me? Why am I never GOOD ENOUGH, why is it when I find a house, it's just not GOOD ENOUGH for his mother, or it's too expensive, or he doesn't like the location, etc. etc. etc.?? He finds fault with whatever I suggest or want to do, and I'm feeling like a crushed lost soul.
Ya might notice that I'm a depressed mess of a girl right now. (Noooo, REALLY)?? Yeah.
That's because I'm trying to wean myself off of the Lexapro anti depressant, and started taking Welbutrin now, so I am currently very emotional about everything. I feel like screaming in anger and throwing things at a wall to bust them into a million pieces. These are my feelings as of 11:17 p.m. on January 20...or is it the 21st today...I don't even know. They all blur together.
Hmmmm...I think it is Steve Perry's birthday on the 22nd if I remember correctly, so happy birthday to you, my sexy dream man. You should be made into a human cake, letting people smear raspberry jelly and drizzle chocolate sauce, cool whip, and Oreo cookies all over you, and then have a bunch of sexy people lick the frosting off your naked body. That is what I hope for you on your birthday. Amen.
Dreams die every day for millions of people. Thousands of people in Haiti have lost their dreams, their families, their homes, their lives, a week ago today. So I know I'm just one of the millions who have to deal with it. My problems pale in comparison to theirs. But I relive the heartbreak of it every day, even sometimes for years afterwards. This house will be the one I compare every OTHER house to, and none of them will be good enough for ME. This house I have roamed in every room in my mind night after night, manifesting that reality into being, picturing myself in each room...I will be haunted by this house for a very long time, wondering who lives there, in MY dream house? I still have heartbreak and end up crying whenever I watch something on t.v. about the Holocaust, because I miss working at that Museum so badly I could scream. That is the job of my dreams, but that dream bit the dust on 9/11.
It seems that all of my dreams have bitten the dust. Nothing I do is right, I fail at everything, I can't seem to prove to anyone that I am good enough, my decisions are good enough, the things I love are good enough, and what I WANT is good enough.
This dream house has bitten the dust, ONLY because Pete is stubborn and never seems to want anything that I want. I just tag along like some kind of lost little puppy following him around as though I'm on some kind of invisible leash. His little pet. Doesn't matter that I have a brain and I really miss using it.
So this is what marriage is like, I guess? (And you wonder why I avoided it for 41 years)??
...You can add THAT dream to the rubble pile too. It's not what I thought it would be.
---Becky
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