But today, January 6, 2010, James Von Brunn died in a prison hospital of medical issues that he had BEFORE he shot and killed Stephen T. Johns at my museum in DC this past June. I am conflicted because of this. On one hand, I say "good riddance, and burn in hell you worthless hate-filled son-of-a-bitch." On the other hand, I pity him and cry for Stephen Johns, and I wish to God that justice could have been served and a conviction of his senseless crime be handed down to him by the world that witnessed it that horrible June day.
I felt it was important to write something about it. The whole thing makes me question a lot of things in this world, and in the whole circle of life that we all experience on this earth. I have a book that I want to publish, of the voices of children who visit the Museum and what they feel after seeing the atrocity of genocide that the Holocaust left us to deal with, and to pay attention to the current genocide in the Sudan that is currently screaming out to the world even now. I have been wanting to publish this book for over 12 years now. It's been sitting in a box, collecting dust, all that time, while I have been busy with moving, finding love and planning a wedding.
I wondered, and talked to Pete about this too, would God get angry with me for continuing to let this book sit in a box collecting more dust while I'm too "busy" with my daily life, as inconsequential as it is, and probably always will be, and would He take AWAY the silly daily mundane things that I am currently working on, (like gluing things on wedding stuff all day), and force me to do the "bigger" or more important thing, of publishing an important book? Now, that's not to say I am claiming that this book of mine is actually "important" to anybody else on this planet but ME, so don't misunderstand my meaning.
All I can go by is past experience. For example...on September 11, 2001, I had to help evacuate the Museum of people fainting and screaming about their relatives in the World Trade Center, rushing wheelchairs to those who needed them, and trying to remain calm in an otherwise Armageddon-like environment that still pierces my dreams and stabs me in the gut whenever I see the footage on television even now. I was calm and handled the situation as best as I could until I got on the metro train and someone yelled, "I hope they didn't pipe in any Anthrax through the ventilation system." That's when I lost my cool, and nearly hyperventilated in panic. I had to get off that train and run all the way home to feel safe, but even that hope of safety eluded me when I got there. That's when my sister called and said, "Mom is flying to Florida today and we can't find her plane. The airline doesn't know where it is, and I have no way of contacting her." I nearly fainted when I heard this, thinking, "Oh my God, my mom's plane might be hijacked, I may have to plan a funeral..." and I exploded into hysteria, packing a suitcase, screaming to my roommate David to loan me some money so I could drive home to Michigan right NOW to be there for my mom.
I wish now that David would have just slapped me across the face to calm me down and shut me up. I wish with all my heart that I could have a "re-do" on that one stupid lousy damned day.
Though he and my friend Barbara tried to caution me against going to Michigan that day, I wouldn't listen. I felt an enormous urgency to get there, to be there, to try and do something to help my mom. I guess anybody else in the same situation would have probably done the same thing, who knows, but I wish with all my being that I would have listened to them and stayed there. I didn't listen, though, and I ended up losing 3.5 years of my life, all my financial savings, and the only job that I ever truly loved in my whole life.
Was God telling me to stay put, and I just didn't listen, and so He punished me for that? I'll never know, of course, but that question makes me wonder NOW, if perhaps the death of this horrible hateful man is another message telling me to publish this book of mine, OR, perhaps it's telling me "Now is not a good time to publish that book, wait awhile longer." I have no way of knowing the answer to this question, but would He punish me by taking away this everyday mundane wedding-planning stuff, somehow, if I don't do what He wants me to do THIS time?
Pete says that God doesn't want to take away anyone's free will, nor does he want to take away anything in our lives that makes us happy. God would never want to punish anyone, he said, by taking away a happy occasion like a wedding, which symbolizes love, for any reason, even if it's for a "bigger" reason than our everyday mundane lives.
But I still wonder, should I try and publish it now, or wait awhile longer...I mean, I have an 88 year old woman who depends on me to take care of her every day and a wedding to plan and make stuff for, how the heck could I do a book on top of all that, at the same time?
I'm sad for Stephen Johns family, having to endure another injustice on top of the loss of his life, with the death of this hateful man who was never convicted, and now all the hate groups out there are cheering because of it....they are cheering "he got away with it"....at least, that's what they will think. God knows differently, of course, but they can't see that. So it's a tragic horrible and unfair thing, the death of Von Brunn, before he could pay for his crime in our world, but his afterlife in hell will be an eternity beyond our worse imaginings. At least, I hope it will. That is what he deserves.
But the whole thing still leaves me confused and questioning life in general. It haunts me.
I guess it should haunt everybody who witnessed it. Don't ever forget Stephen Johns. Don't ever forget that his last moment was when he opened the door for this elderly man--a man whose heart was so filled with hate, he blew Stephen's life away at point-blank range with a shot gun, for no reason.
Don't ever forget.
Love, Becky
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